Free-Floating Hostility

Sunday, January 22, 2006

From the Feverish Brain of Easy Lola

My sister sent me this earlier in the week, but I haven't had time to post
it until now. Apparently we both imagine our parents living completely secret
lives. Queenie actually is in Damascus right now, which would certainly lend
some credence to the whole secret agent thing. I don't know if this interesting
to anyone else, but I thought it was pretty funny. It is also funny that Easy
Lola is working as a fundraiser, but I think you'd have to know her to
understand why.

So I have been sick, which has caused me to have really vivid dreams. And I don't know if it is the cough syrup or not getting enough
oxygen or what, but anyway in my dream last night I had uncovered the big family secret that you were never allowed to know. I don't know if you weren't allowed
to know because you are journalistically minded and would want to publish the
truth, although I guess in reality you wouldn't, say, expose the identity of a
CIA agent just to purport your own agenda. I digress.

The point of this is that infant the family business was that Fritz and Queenie (so aptly named that maybe you have known about the spy thing all along) were spies and I was about to discover the family business. Anyway I figure out that our whole lives have been frauds, and that when they "lived in Boston" that was code for went to a spy school that had some other fancy name that had been reduced to so many
different acronyms that they just jokingly referred to it as A (obviously for acronym and because if James Bond had Q they could have A).

So this all unfolds and they induct me into the family secret because it was either that or kill me and, well I suppose they really do like me because I was living. Dad and I were on a spy mission that put us on a train, as spy missions often do. When we got off the train in a station that looked like the Philadelphia art museum we were followed by two assassins who were actually one fellow I had gone to high school with who I will call Rabbi Stabby (for several reasons, first there are never any Jewish references in assigned names and second, he wanted to be a rabbi at the same time you thought about it). The other target was a guy who was a downtown Birmingham [Michigan] fixture that worked at Harmony House and then Lonestar with me who I shall call Shamus Brian Donellon but they just called him SBD on the streets.

So I spot them in the crowd before Fritz does. They are easy to see because SBD is dressed like the Unibomber, and, now that I think about it, Rabbi Stabby looked like an orthodox Rabbi minus the prayer shawl. So Fritz and I run out with Rabbi Stabby on our tails. We do the whole hide-behind-the-corner thing until he runs past us and we sneak attack, I grab Fritz's pistol and shoot him in the calf, which brings him down. And while Fritz holds him I grab Stabby's gun and wait for SBD. Then in true Tarantino fashion there was a scuffle and a good old-fashioned triangle, with the if-you-shoot-he-gets-it-than-you get-it-than-you-get-it standoff and so on. You've seen the movies. I don't know what happened next because I scared myself

So who knows, maybe the lives we've been living are totally untrue. But I thought you might be tickled by this. I would be more elaborate than I already have been but I woke up at 5 am.

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