Free-Floating Hostility

Friday, December 03, 2004


A Sad Day for Baseball, a Happy Day for the Flaxseed Industry

As you all know, when Barry Bonds was applying both clear and creamy steroids to his body throughout 2003, he apparently thought it was flaxseed oil. He still thought it was flaxseed oil when he recommended it to his friends Gary Sheffield and Jason Giambi, who promptly doubled their body weights and developed medical maladies that certainly included a tapeworm. Many journalists have already pointed out that it's pretty hard to be on steroids and not know about it, and that Bonds must be a credulous fellow indeed to think flax can make you break Babe Ruth's record. But I believe I am the first to point out that it's pretty hard to be on flaxseed and not know about it. Those of you who had dinner at the Wagner-McCoys' last summer, the night Sarah baked us a delicious flaxseed bread, know just what I mean. Most of us had seconds and some had thirds; everyone crapped the whole night long. Flaxseed oil, it turns out, is a powerful laxative. So unless Mr. Bonds can account for his apparent failure to defecate linen in the dugout, he has a lot of explaining to do.

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