Putting Turin Behind Me

The Olympics aren't over tonight, but they are over for me. I was only in it for the figure skating, even though NBC structured its broadcast in such a way that I had to sit through, for instance, luge. What could be less entertaining than footage of a sport whose essence is to move the body as little as possible? I'm able to enjoy speed skating up to a point. It has occurred to me that our hypothetical children would probably have their best athletic shot as speed skaters, because they're going to get my thighs. On the chest press machine I'm usually good for 60-75 pounds, on the triceps machine about 5o, but I can crush 120 lbs between my knees without grunting. I could probably crush a figure skater like that. But I digress.

It was no secret among those paying attention to me that I was rooting for Irina Slutskaya tonight. I find her personally adorable, she jumps like a fiend, she wears pants, and she's older than me. But the real reason is this that Sasha Cohen has no soul. I don't mean that in the sense of her undoubted and excessive whiteness; I mean that I see the gleam of hell in her eye when she skates. I waver between thinking she's a reanimated corpse and thinking she's a veloceraptor in a zip-up human suit.

I used to root for Michelle Kwan. I therefore felt irritated when Cohen publicly called for Kwan to "give someone else a turn," as though competitive victory were just a highly publicized bong. Some large percentage of the country is interested in jumping Cohen's bones, and though I fail to see her appeal on that level either I am more concerned about prevalent confusion of humpability with talent. I also think she gets extra points just because people are pleasantly surprised when she doesn't go ass over teakettle in the clutch. Anyone who's been to a girls prep school can spot a rexi at a hundred paces and that's the theory I favor for why she falls so damn much.

Sure, it's unreasonable to root against an athlete because she's bitchy (see also Kobe Bryant), but I also don't get why everyone hails Cohen as an artist. The technical bits I can't argue with; either she nails her jumps or she chokes, and it's all up to her. Talk of her artistry, however, strikes me as the product of fevered American chauvinism. If she weren't on skates I would say that she couldn't dance. Remember that one white girl at the high school dances that would mince in, get cute with some ballet moves, and then try to do the tootsie roll? That's Cohen.

So while the question "who the hell is Shizuka Arakawa?" is uppermost in my mind, I am not displeased with tonight's outcome. I am sorry for Slutskaya, (though there is no excuse for pouting over a bronze medal, and especially not for throwing it) (unless you're going to throw it at Sasha Cohen) (Does bronze kill vampires?), but it's important that Cohen didn't get the gold for the wrong reasons. The fact that the best of the best skated at less than their best just indicates how empty the field's going to be without Kwan.

Oh, and those Hughes girls just seem like really good kids. And Jewish!