Poetic Justice Sold Here

Apparently my in-laws really like being called Fritz and Queenie. I received an email today in which Fritz referred to himself as such throughout a story of how he ran into someone in Detroit. I don't get why, but I think it's adorable. So that got me to thinking about pseudonyms. Most of the names I've made up for people have been codenames that were never intended to be used in front of their objects. Most often they spring up as a way of identifying someone not known to someone else (Ray? Who's Ray? You know, Ray the Sad Accountant). Alternatively there are common names that demand useful descriptions, such as at nerd camp in 1995 when Jess came up with the system of distinguishing Disgusting Chris from Chris Who's Cute when he Falls off his Chair and Blows his Nose (I googled the latter Chris this morning; he's a PhD candidate in computer science now, and still cute). But sometimes it's purely malice, and that's how one of Mike's old coworkers came to be called Judy the Slag. Anyway, here is a list of creative names we've come to use for people over the years. Those marked with an asterisk were actually rechristened by us.

• Brian the Ass Grabber*
• Pervy Pervertson* (an old test subject at the clinic)
• Wheelchair Hottie* (an alluring parapalegic)
• Perpetually Experimenting Gay Chris* (as distinct from Gay Chris)
• Cheap Ghetto Ho-Bag* (a certain [male] schnorrer who lived on Carman 11)
• The Woofer* (a rather attractive and perfectly sweet suitemate; the idea was to torment someone named Uri who had a thing for her)
• The Rusky Husky
• Big Dumb Ellen
• Skinny Ho* and Redneck Joe* (a couple)
• Same Shirt Kid (Trevor, who came up with this name, subsequently wound up working airport security at JFK, and found Same Shirt Kid in line for the metal detector. Trevor exercised his powers and ensured that Same Shirt Kid's bag would be searched so that he could count the number of different shirts inside.)
• Same Face Girl (a pair of identical twins)
• The White People* (originally a family that lived upstairs from my parents; now Ryan and Sarah)
• Sphere Head (someone who was mean to Ryan in 1998)
• Redwood (she was tall)
• The Lag Midget (I cannot attempt to explain the story behind that one, but Scott is brilliant)
• Dr. Amazing* and The Magic Pen* (two physicians I once worked with who nearly turned me into a Scientologist)
• Prof. Dickless*
• Admiral Fancypants

Of our own uncharitable nicknames, the only ones that have ever gotten back to us are Silent Bob or Jesus for Mike and Squirrels for me. I have been obsessing over what Squirrels might mean for 8 years--if anyone from the Haverford Boys' School Glee Club is reading this, I demand an explanation.