Emily Post-Up

Today, while sitting through an excruciating meeting with several distinguished scientists bitching and sniping at each other and occasionally at me, I had an "aha moment." Academia is suffering from a lack of behavioral standards. When I graduated Columbia, the English Department hadn't had a departmental meeting in two years, because the debate over Classical versus Multicultural curricula had grown so nasty that the two factions refused to share a room. You can see how it happens; what town is really big enough for four guys that were all high school valedictorians in the fifties? But it doesn't have to be that way. I say we take our cues from the NBA. Professional sports stand out from other fields of endeavor in that civility is not only expected, it's enforced. So here's my brain wave: Technical Fouls for Faculty. Insult a colleague's intelligence, and he gets your sabbatical leave. Insult him twice and you get ejected from the meeting and fined. Flagrant fouls could be reserved for very serious offenses such as academic sabotage and physical violence. That's worth two Research Associates and the ball.